Preparing your toddler for a new baby

A new baby turns a toddler’s world upside down. One day they have you to themselves; the next there’s a small person who cries, needs feeding at all hours and takes up your arms. It’s natural to worry about how they’ll take it.

The good news is that most toddlers adjust, with ups and downs along the way.¹ Here’s what UK guidance and the research say, and what tends to help.

When should I tell my toddler about the baby?

There’s no single right time. One NHS service in Norfolk suggests waiting until after 12 weeks or your second scan, when the pregnancy is more settled and a bump can help you explain.² Young children don’t have much sense of time, so “when it’s summer” means more to them than “in five months”.³

Be honest about what babies are like. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) suggests explaining that the baby will be cute, but will also cry and take up a lot of your time.⁴ Zero to Three, a US early childhood charity, suggests talking about what might be fun and what might be hard.⁵ Picture books about new babies help too.^4,5 A New Baby in Our House is one to read together, before the birth and in the weeks after.

What might my toddler feel?

All sorts of things, often at once. NHS Wales says to expect some jealousy and resentment, as it’s almost certain to happen at some point, and to accept that your older child might not love their new brother or sister at first.⁶ Zero to Three says pushing a child to love the baby can backfire, and that it helps to acknowledge their feelings and find acceptable ways to show them.⁷

It’s rarely the crisis it can feel like. A review of 30 studies found no sign that a new sibling is a crisis for most children. Children were often less affectionate with their mothers, but the evidence on sleep problems, anxiety, aggression and regression was mixed, and children varied a lot.⁸ In a later US study of 241 families, with firstborns aged about 2½ on average, most children had few behaviour problems before the birth and stayed that way over the next year. In some children, aggression rose in the first month and settled back by about 4 months. The families were mostly middle class, with two parents, so the results may not fit every family.¹

My toddler is acting like a baby again. Is that normal?

Yes. Wanting a bottle, wanting to be carried, or wetting again after potty training are all common, and NHS Wales says they shouldn’t be punished.⁶ The AAP calls it your older child’s way of making sure they still have your love and attention, and suggests giving them that attention rather than telling them to act their age.⁴ Zero to Three says children usually go back to their usual behaviour sooner when you respond calmly and without punishment.⁷

How can I help them settle in?

• Keep their routine steady. NHS Wales says sticking to your toddler’s routines helps reassure them.⁶ Keep bedtime the same where you can.
• Time the other big changes. If you can, do potty training or the move to a big bed well before the baby comes, or wait until a few months after.^4,9,3
• Make time that’s just theirs. Every guide we read says this.^4,3,9 Ask a partner, friend or relative to look after the baby so you can have time alone with your toddler.^6,10
• Plan the first meeting. Have the baby in their cot or Moses basket, or in someone else’s arms, so your hands are free to hug your toddler.²
• Make feeds less lonely. Feeding time can leave an older child feeling left out. Give them something to do, or read or chat with them while you feed.^6,10
• Invite them to help, without pushing. Fetching a nappy, choosing the baby’s clothes or talking to the baby are good jobs.^2,6 If they say no, that’s fine: Zero to Three and KidsHealth both advise against forcing it.^7,3
• Don’t forget them with visitors. Ask visitors to talk to your older child too.⁷

What if they’re rough with the baby?

Be ready for it. An NHS service in Bradford passes on advice to expect hitting or other aggression from toddlers, and to stay alert with them around a newborn for a while.¹⁰ Zero to Three suggests showing gentle and rough touches with a doll or teddy. If your toddler is rough, calmly guide their hands away and give them something else to do. Make the rule about not hurting, rather than about protecting the baby from them.⁷

Keep your usual limits, but think about the feelings behind the behaviour: it may be a sign they need more time with you.^7,3 Coram Family Lives suggests trying not to punish your older child, as it may make them resent the baby more.⁹

Getting support

If you or your family are struggling to adjust, talk to your midwife, health visitor or GP.¹⁰ You can contact your health visitor or GP with any worries between your child’s reviews, too.¹¹

Coram Family Lives runs a helpline for parents on 0808 800 2222, open Monday to Friday 9am to 9pm and weekends 10am to 3pm.⁹