Settling into nursery or a childminder

Handing your little one to someone new and walking out of the door is hard. They might cling and cry, and you might cry in the car. Here’s what to expect in the first weeks, and what helps.

Is it normal for them to cry when I leave?

Yes. The NHS says babies and toddlers often get clingy and cry when you leave, and that separation anxiety is common between 6 months and 3 years.¹ It often starts at about the same time as childcare.² The NHS says it’s usually a sign of how well you have bonded, that leaving your child with another carer won’t harm them, and that there’s no reason to feel guilty.¹

Raising Children, an Australian government-funded parenting site, says most children stop crying shortly after their parents leave, and most settle in well eventually. Some take longer, and some settle, then get upset once the novelty wears off.²

The first days apart are stressful. In a small study of 70 toddlers starting childcare in Berlin at 15 months, their levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, rose to 75–100% above home levels in the hour after their mum left. Toddlers with a secure bond with their mum fussed and cried more in those first days, not less.³

Who will look after them?

In England, every nursery and childminder must give each child a key person, who makes sure their care fits their needs, helps them get to know the place, gives them a settled relationship and gets to know you. At a childminder’s, it’s the childminder or sometimes their assistant. The setting must tell you who it is.⁴

Tell them what helps, like how your child naps or the songs they love, and about bad nights or big changes at home.² Little ones are more likely to trust a new grown-up when they see you trust them too.⁵

How do settling-in sessions work?

Ask how your setting does it. Coram PACEY, the association for childcare professionals, shares early years expert Penny Tassoni’s advice: several short sessions in which the carer slowly “slides in” and you “slide out”.⁶ Raising Children suggests short days where you stay, then leaving for short spells, building up to a whole day.⁵ Beforehand, the NHS suggests practising short separations with someone your child knows well.¹

Taking it slowly may help. In the Berlin study, toddlers whose mums spent more days settling them in were more likely to have a secure bond with their mum three months later. It’s one small study, and shows a link rather than cause and effect.³

How should I say goodbye?

• Always say goodbye, even if they’re happily playing. ZERO TO THREE, a US early childhood charity, says sneaking away makes a child worry you might leave at any time.⁷
• Keep it short, and the same every day. A little goodbye ritual helps.^7,2 In Little Bear’s First Day at Nursery it’s a kiss on the nose, a squeeze of the paw and a wave at the window.
• Say when you’ll be back, in words they understand, like “after story time”.²
• Smile and wave, however you feel. The NHS says your baby will pick up on your tension.¹
• Pack a piece of home, like a scarf that smells of you or a favourite toy.¹
• Ring to check. Most settings are happy for you to call and ask how they’re doing.²

Why are they so tired, and always poorly?

Tired: childcare is busy and exciting, so your little one will probably come home tired. They may need an earlier bedtime, longer naps or quiet play at home. Cuddles and a story at bedtime are a lovely way to catch up.⁵

Poorly: coughs and colds often come thick and fast at first. A Finnish study kept diaries for nearly 900 young children. For those starting nursery, days with symptoms such as a cold rose from about 4 a month before they started to about 11 a month two months in, then fell over the next 9 months. The rise was smaller for children cared for in a carer’s home, as with a childminder.⁸ In a study of 1,238 children in Quebec, those who started large group childcare before 2½ had more chest and ear infections at the time, but fewer at ages 5 to 8. It shows a link, and relied on mums’ reports.⁹

The NHS says to keep them at home while they have a high temperature, and until 2 days (48 hours) after they were last sick or had diarrhoea, and to phone the setting on the first day.¹⁰

You’ll know they’ve settled when they’re usually happy to go, eating and sleeping as normal, and showing or telling you about their day.⁵

Getting support

Talk to your child’s key person first. If your child is very distressed, stays upset for a long time after you leave, or it has gone on for more than a few weeks, talk to your health visitor.¹ Sometimes a setting just isn’t right for a child at that point, and a different one might suit them better.²

If you’re worried about the care, nurseries and childminders in England must look into a written complaint and tell you the outcome within 28 days, and tell you how to contact Ofsted (or their childminder agency).⁴

And for you: Coram Family Lives has a free, confidential parenting helpline for families in England and Wales on 0808 800 2222.¹¹